Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Teh_Leaf's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Sunday, October 9th, 2005
11:55 am	:/ Where did I go? I've lost complete touch of who I am. I don't know who I am anymore. I can't write anymore, I can't sleep anymore, I can't eat anymore. Maybe it's stress, but I don't like it. I never got this way before. This way isn't healthy. I feel different. I feel down. Not depressive, just down. I'm more serious, more shy, more quiet than before. It may just be how I feel I've changed in my perspective, but I just think I'm changing, and like always I'm not changing for the good. Whyyyyy can't I get better? I was better before now things aren't the same. I don't like change anymore. New things scare me. I can't joke around with my good friends without making an idiot of myself, without others laughing at me instead of with me. So I'll just dig deeper into my shell. My safety shell. Where I can be left unoticed and happy. Well at least I think I'll be happy. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 3rd, 2005
12:21 am	Hm As much as I've tried to update each and every single day, it's beginning to get harder and harder. My brain is running short of topics, my creativity supply is running low. I need a refill, but thats just imipossible. I don't know what to talk about at all. I mean I would reminice about the good old days when I was younger because my brother, mom and I were speaking of it today, but nothing would be understood by any of you, none of you knew me then. You know me now, but that wouldn't help. On another note, of sheer randomness may I add, I feel as if I'm becoming antisocial and drfiting away from friends. I don't know if anyone noticed this or not, but I get cranky sometimes then you all IM me at the wrong time and I just ignore you. I think about 3 people at the most I talk to online. But that would be all. Lauren and I have been talking more, we may hang out tomorrow; the day I have a day off on thankfully. My school has become somewhat lazy and they've begun to just give us days off just for the hell of it. How great is that? I like my school for that. Heh that may be the only thing I like about it. :/ Quickly! SOMEONE THINK OF SOMETHING FOR ME TO SAY. Hurry little people in my head, pull out ideas from the filing cabinet in my brain. Make me think of numerous topics to talk about to the many people that read this. Well many meaning like Branch. :] Well at least he reads it. Thanks Branch. Okay thats it, I'm going to tell you all what we talked about today, are you ready? You think you're ready for this?! Okay here goes nothing. I was laying on the floor of my living room that is [okay not mine, since I technically don't own the house, they do but wudev] anyways, so here I am, laying on the floor, when out of nowhere I begin to mention my lovely accident I had on my old block. You know the one where my brother and I were playing "combinations" on our bicycles. Okay let me first explain to you all what combinations is: Basically, it's a game thats just like follow the leader, only more dangerous, you do whatever the other person does, regardless of how dangerous it is. :] So yes, we were on our bikes, playing combinations, when suddenly my brother does this sharp turn in to Lorie's front yard/driveway. I decide to copy him and do the same. So I pull my handlebars quickly to make a sharp turn, unfortunately I didn't make that turn and ended up falling off the bike and breaking my two front teeth. YES they still are like that. But bonded so half fake, half real. All I can remember is my next door neighbor George mowing his lawn while his wife was fixing up the flowers as she usually did. Then all of a sudden everything stopped when I fell. The lawnmower stopped, the sounds stopped; Karen[George's wife] suddenly runs over to see if I'm okay. Of course I'm like crying. Duh. I get in the house, only to find my mother yelling at me for something I did on accident. I look in the mirror and behold the horrid damage I did to my face. I just say 3 words and walk out of the room "Oh my God". She then calls the dentist to make an appointment and in the car we go. She's yelling at me on the way there, not making anything better like a "nurturing" mother should be doing. Instead shes telling me how worthless I am, how much money I'm going to cost her, how she was right and I was wrong. Well you know thats the whole point of growing up [no, not busting your teeth, learning from mistakes imbiciles]. But we get in there, fix me up and I'm good. Then we move on to the topic of how Ryan, Michael, and Andrew and I were all great buddies. I miss those guys. :]. We used to play kick ball outside in the front yard. The hill being first base, the tree second, and our tree third; the fence home. And I bring up how Andrew and I used to have our made up soccer game. The objective was to kick the ball as far as you could and the other person would have to run and chase after it without stopping, if it stopped the other team gets the point. Then I remember how Ryan and I constantly blockaded the entire block so our rivals wouldn't pass through. And we would have our little song "Uh oh, oh no, here comes the danger patrol" seems corny now, but it was all we had then. Okay so that was basically a short update with fond memories of the past. And many more to come. I often recall the past. I long for it again. I don't see why I am not as content with life now. I am happy, or well I think. Current Mood: content Current Music: NIN. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
1:45 am	:/ I wrote a poem. I'm too scared to unvail it for you to see. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
1:02 am	Okay? Hello wonderful people. Isn't it lovely how I'm updating more often? Well, I tthink it is, I'm sure Joey enjoys it. It shows actual signs of brain activity, glad to know my brain is functioning properly. Well, today was a pretty typical day. A typical weekend day, the type where you sleep until the afternoon with the smell of coffee throughout the house, the stereo on low, with my father in his chair reading the paper, my mom laying on the couch looking through it as well. Andrew still sleeping in his room because he was up too late. And me laying at the foot of my bed on my stomach, in my sleeping position that nobody else does. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me, I don't sleep like everyone else thats a problem. Either that or I just want to be individual. It's hard to do that these days, everything has an influence. And if you try to be different, you're just criticized and it discourages you to be individual, then you're forced to conform. Although some people like the criticism it's what pushes them further on. Okay sorry I just got off subject there. But anyways, I was offered something to do today, I just decided to turn it down, on a count of, I would feel awkward. I didn't before, now I do. This person is the cause of all my problems. Yet, I still want to be friends. I'm confused. On a lighter note, Miguel invited me to go to a show on October 29th. It's in Weston and the best thing is COHEED AND CAMBRIA will be performing. I hope some people can come along too, so whoever is reading this, COME! Heh it makes me feel giddy and important now. I mean, he invited me. I think he just feels guilty because of what I asked him on the phone the other day and he's just trying to prove a point. Oh well, nice gesture, regardless if that was the reason. Or maybe he considers me important :]. No way. Haha. No, I'd rather crush my self esteem in to little bite size pieces and deny the fact that I do have a meaning. I am worthless and I'll think nothing contrary to my belief. Prove to me that I am infact as worthless as I have led myself to believe. Okay well short update, I'm tired, stressed, and thinking of something that isn't related to this journal. Bye. :] (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 1st, 2005
1:56 pm	Last night. Okay so I didn't have time to update last night, for the feeling of me about to pass out. Then I actually did. Thats the scary part. It felt so weird like, I have done it before, but not like that. Everything sounded distorted, like voices they were scary. I like how I sleep with the TV on at night, so I can listen to something, but last night, it scared me too much I turned it off. My room turned red. I didn't get it, it turned red then my skin felt tingly and I felt cold. Then I laid down and I was cold/sweaty and then next thing I know I woke up. It was like 7 am. I was like.. wtf just happened? I then went back to sleep and woke up at like 10:30 or something. Now I'm doing better, but I have a headache. It's a slight one though, I just need to eat, because I only had a salad yesterday. I got home from Oasis and went out to dinner with my parents because they hadn't eaten at all. So I was like in the mood for salad. But I love salad. :] So I'm telling you the ending without the beginning, stupid me. Okay let me start from the beginning. I woke up in the morning about to run late for school. I did my hair, you know like I always do, and didn't eat breakfast [you know like I always do :P, brushed my teeth and I was OUT THE DOOR. :O. I was excited to get to school that day even though I was late, only because we had an assembly. So while in A period I was anxious I couldn't stop thinking about how fun it would be plus the fact that I was going to get out of class, that was kind of the good part. Okay that was the whole good part. Plus I'd be with my friendssss Falicia, Lauren, Krystal, Lillian, and whoeverthefuckcame. So yes, I was looking for Adam when I got in there so I can give him funny looks when they mentioned the drugs :] because he knows about me and stuffff. And I know exactly what he'd do too. He'd look right at me when she said any drug. But anyways, we got in there, I'm looking for people I know, I saw Guas I think, but that was it, then I decided to just sit down since they wouldn't let me sit near any of my friends up at the top. Psh. So I sat next to Falicia, and across from Lauren. The lady was speaking of how drugs are bad for you and drinking and about some guy Bob who drank too much and DIED. Funny thing was though, she said it so happily. "So Bob went to the party, and promised he wouldn't drink, when he got there, he was influenced to drink by all his friends, so he had more than 12 beers, and you know what happened to Bob? HE DIED! *smiles*" Seriously, thats how she said it. As if to say, it's good to die :D! The irony of having the drug/drinking discussion though is, I recently talked about it myself. In my last entry, how effed up is that? What a coincidence. Anyways, let me get back on subject, so after the assembly, Falicia and I tried our best to not get to class on time so we strolled around the school, holding the door for people we went allllll the way around the school it was great. Then after that I decided to go to my locker, as well as her. And we walked slowly to my chemistry class then when I was there I had to say goodbye. So I got in class, we learned ..something. I don't know, I didn't listen I was too busy writing notes to people. Whatever that class was pointless anyways. SO THEN we scattered off to my wonderful Social Justice class as I made an ass of myself. They asked me a question, and well of course I didn't know what she said so I just answered "They were getting beaten down by the sun and random animals" because yeah :]. Then OFF TO LUNCH! I waited for Krystal and Frankie to get their stuff out of their locker while I said hello to Joan [I didn't know if you're latin you kiss someone to say hi so needless to say I umm got confused and he was like "hi" *kiss* and I'm like uhhh hi!] yeah I hesitated I didn't know what to do IM NOT LATIN FOR GODSAKES! So then after the locker journey we went to mine, and got my stuff out. Krystal wanted to go a different way than ususal, soooo we went another way, I then sat down at our table after they got their stuff. I took pictures of people at lunch. :] Joan needed to get homework from Frankie so he sat with us, and I had to help him read since its hard to read Frankie's handwriting. Its so ..manly. He writes like a girl. Then he said for an answer to a question "she got really PISSED OFF" who says that to answer something for school?! Well he does apparently. AFTER THAT it was time for Mr. Curry's class. Of course, he was being completely fake. Ugh. As usual! He was answering questions and stuff since we had someone watching our class. Okay enough K period. Then it was art time. I can't draw hands and I was frustrated so I was acting out of character the entire time. Oh Chris wore a cow hat. It was cool. Okay so arts over and it's time to go and chat it up with the peeps. So I got to chat. :/ I hung with Falicia and we got to walk around teh school for like 54454 times until we were stopped by Travis. He had a hackysack which I stole from him and played keep away with Falicia :D. Then I laid on it so he couldn't get it. But then he picked me up and yeah well he got the hacky sack dammit. AND THANKS TO COURTLAND FOR NOT HELPING. psh. Wudev. SO THEN I WENT HOME. Yeah here I am, home. I had a cramp and so I took some pills before I left. 3 pain killers plus my regular perscribed allergy pill. So after that I went to Oasis and saw Danny there. We chilled and we got this orange stuff on us. It was like I glance at Danny and go "You have some orange stuff on you" and he's like "Eh" and so did I. Ah yes, orange stuff is great. I took pictures of it but like the camera fucked up and they're gone. Wudev. Then Chris came and we all walked walked and walked. Guas was supposed to be coming, so we were waiting for Guas. As I was in Spencer's I wasn't feeling too good. I felt cold then my body felt hot. It was confusing so I'm like whatever I'm fine. And as we walked to Hot Topic I felt worse. And then I realized why. But then I began to feel funny and happy. I felt realllly happy. I saw a happy face in the paint on the floor if that makes any sense to you all. So then Guas couldn't like find us so we all decided to walk to Steak n' Shake. So I can see Faliciaaa. Guas finally caught up. Yay Guas! Then we all traveled out to Steak n' Shake. But first I had to drink alot of water to sober me up or something. So yeah that wasn't too much fun but I still drank it. And we got to Steak n' Shake after a bunch of walking and I was like "I'm effed up ^_^" and the guy that greeted us was too so he gave me a "I am too" smile lol. It was great :]. Then Falicia was all there and I was like omgfalicia<3! it was sooo cool to see her working there. I was forced to drink a shake. And blah lots of stuff happened. I napped in there until something scared me. And then I felt really weird towards the end I don't know my heart rate went up or something. Then you go to the beginning of my entry to find out what happened when I got home. This is a bad entry but whatever. I don't feel like doing anything spectacular at the moment. Oh well the end. I'll update later maybe with something worth reading. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 26th, 2005
10:34 pm	Humans are so predictable I hate to say it, but humans are too predictable. As I was in the shower, I began to analyze a couple things people do all the time, that you know they're going to do. I hate to be a hypocrite though, but when I say it, I'll be called as one, and that's fine, because I know I am. I'm not that hypocritcal but this just makes me feel it more. Okay, so lets take peer pressure. Say you're about 10 years old, and you're in 5th grade. You're learning about peer pressure with your group of friends and fellow classmates. The teacher then begins to explain to you harmful drugs, and substances that can easily kill you if you take too many of them [overdose]. You listen intently and focus on a movie they play for your viewing pleasure in order to prevent you from doing those things. As you get out of the classroom, a couple of friends and you begin to talk amongst yourselves about the presentation you just watched. You then tell him/her about your perspective and thoughts on it. "Oh, when that boy forced that girl to do drugs, that was such a stupid decision she made, I mean drugs are bad for you". You say that then, but then a couple years later you'll be the one in the same position. You'll be the one offered drugs/alcohol. What will you do? You'll encourage drinking/getting high just by accepting to do those drugs. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DID. And if your living condition is under the influence that it is okay to do drugs, you're bound to turn in to them. And I have done the same myself. I have done drugs, I've done good ol' MJ and well some herion. Yeah I regret it. Yeah I drank. Yeah, I regret that too. Of course it is okay to do once in a while if you know your own tolerence but it's better to not do them at all. Yes, so this is my hypocritcal analyzation. But I didn't make it for the sake of making it. I didn't make it because I just got out of the shower and well I ran out of ideas on what to write about. I have my reasons for writing this. I have a good reason too. A friend of mine, decided to go to a party. A party filled with people you just can't trust. You can't even trust them with a tennis ball. I'm talking about my ex best friend and her boyfriend + random people they know, having a house party, alone with a bunch of people, not parents. Just drinking, smoking etc. I told her not to get involved with them. You think she listened? Yeah, right. She decided to make her own decision and go to this party. She decided to get drunk. She made a bad decision. It led to many people just taking complete advantage of her. I'm not talking about rape, just plain humiliating her. From what I hear, she tried to make out with Megan, and she was all over her. They wanted to film it. She was willing to. Of course, she was wasted out of her mind, so she couldn't decide weather or not to. Megan of course, was trying to fit in, and she wasn't drunk at all. But instead, she decided to go along with it and fit in. And you know what? after she decided to not take my advice, after she decided to go to that party FULL of strangers, with people she didn't know. [not even people she knew well] And she decided to get drunk and make a fool of herself. You know what I think? I THINK SHE DESERVED IT. SHE DID IT TO FIT IN. Thats all they do it for, they want to be accepted by people you shouldn't even want to be accepted by; the wrong people. And one day, when shes too busy fitting in, she'll realize she made a mistake, not that night but the many nights she did it. I sure do. I can't say I didn't have fun, because I did. But that isn't my point. She does it for attention. She doesn't have many friends, and the ones she has, frankly don't care too much about her. I used to until she decided to make such a wrong decision. She loses people she cares about and people that care about her, so she can be an individual. How are you an individual if you keep doing what others are doing? How are you an individual when you're too busy trying to be someone else? She deserves all she got. She deserves more. And at the rate shes going, shes going to get more, and more in a bad way, not positive way. Whatever. I'm done, I'll talk to her still but it won't be the same, ever. Current Mood: blank Current Music: Nothing. (10 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 25th, 2005
1:55 am	Realization. I've come to the conclusion that I have changed alot. I have changed so much. I didn't realize it until a couple minutes ago. As I skimmed a couple entries from the past, I noticed, I was way different back then than I am now. I can't say I changed for the better, because thats hard to decide. Maybe I have, but I feel like I haven't in some respects. Considering that Branch is like my best friend in the entire universe, I have stopped contact with him, plenty. I did that without knowing, until I read old conversations, old entries, and thought about the past. I mean when I first got to know this wonderful new world to me, known as the internet, we'd always talk on AIM. ALL THE TIME. We'd have conversations, endlessly. And if it wasn't for AIM, hell I wouldn't have the nickname I have now. Yet, I neglected him. And a couple others. But I don't think it's just me though. He's changed as well. I'll try and start up a conversation, try to make things interesting//slightly humerous; and every single time I do, he'll either respond with a *Che* or just change the subject. I know he finds them funny, he doesn't awknowledge it though, I remember when we started talking a while ago that everytime I'd say something random and well not so funny in my perspective, he'd laugh at it. And he'd also add on to it. I think he's becoming more of an emo/gothy/depressed Branch. Different from the old, and way more angsty. Damn teenage angst always get the better of people. Especially good people, people that are close to you, people you don't want to end up losing, but only keep in contact with them until you grow old. I could always picture dear Branch and I growing old and still being pals. I could see it as if it already happened. I know how he likes to bowl and I can see all of us, Andrew, him, Paula & I at the bowling alley having ourselves a grand old time. Shouting at the top of our lungs "PAULA FOR PIE" like that one time at the bowling alley, when I won her a stuffed animal. I wonder if she still has it. And our canned yams. And I could just see us sitting down as one another bowls speaking to eachother in a whisper "Those young whipersnapers, I can't stand them, they belong at the church or something" Something a real old person would say about youngin's. But now it's all too confusing. Now we don't talk like we used to. We have conversations, once in a blue moon, and good quality conversations. But now, it's like we're too distant. Now it's like I barely knew him. Even though I know more about him than alllll of you. @_@. Perhaps it may be college keeping him from speaking with me. It could be college, only I still doubt it. Another change I've noticed is I'm not as I used to be when it comes to personality. I'm completely different. I used to be random. I used to be hyper. I get like that occasionally but reading old entries, filled with my hyperness suddenly bores me. I know it was cool back then, but now I'm more laid back I guess. Not like I used to be. Of course, I do not stay on subject, like well.. I used to. But I don't run around making annoying internet faces and doing random things. Even though thats ok for me to do once in a while, when I want to indulge in the satisfying feeling of randomness. I know you all do too. Don't lie. Just like you feel important as you read newspaper. I'm going to get off topic, today was ok, for the most part. The ending was swell though I can tell you that. It turned my bad day good. It's funny how that could happen because I couldn't picture it happening. Oh well, thats all for now folks. I'm out of ideas, well I may have more but I'm too tired. Current Mood: giddy Current Music: Yeahnothingagain (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 24th, 2005
2:36 am	Update again, WHATWHAT?! Hey hey hey all you fellow readers out there. [what is that, like two?] I don't care, I still get readers, it makes me fell important. You know what else makes me feel important, oh and don't laugh at me when I say this, but I feel reading the newspaper makes me fell important. I'm sure you all do, you just don't want to admit it, you're subconciously thinking it as you read the newspaper, it's ok though. The first step to recovery is to admit you infact, do have a problem. So, lets all say it together now. "I feel important as I read the newspaper". There we go, all together now! You know what bugs me though? What really bugs me? I'll tell you, since you're so eager to find out. I am very bothered by the fact that, when I'm laying down, or not doing anything productive, I come up with the most great ideas on what to update this thing with, but right now I've formed a writers block, only because I'm forced to think when I write/type in this. Unlike when I'm being bored, laying down. I constantly think about things, and multiple ideas just sprout from atop my head. Then I say to myself "Hey, I think I'll write about that when I update LJ today" and I forget, and I don't update. So I have nothing interesting for any of you to read. And for that, I apologize. I'm sorry my life isn't interesting. I'm sorry if it's boring. But it doesn't matter, because it's something to keep you little faggots busy for the meantime. jaykay. I don't hate your guts. Not at all, I swear. You want to know what bugs me though? This is random, but what really bugs me, is freaking materialistic kids. I mean what is the deal with them? Just because they are priveledged, doesn't mean they can take advantage of us, use us, laugh at us, make us in to a joke. Because reality check, we're the same. I mean what I saw today just ticked me off. Some girl, ok, SOME GIRL I know, which is not me, so don't think it is because I put "some girl" in emphasis. But, anyways, some girl dressed up for Western day, at our school today. And well she wasn't exactly wearing what everyone else was wearing [well either was I, but still] and everyone felt the need to ask her "So, where did you get that from, Walmart?" *Giggle* As if shopping at some other store is exactly wrong. Even if they think it is, it's not. And the fact that you get stuff that looks just like the expensive stuff, for a cheaper price is like WHOAMANTHATSAWESOME. You know what I want to achieve in this entry? I want to achieve a large uber long entry. One with value, one with a purpose. Most aren't. Ok, sorry, all aren't. Well maybe to some people, but meh. I want to reminice on my old life in the ghetto of Pembroke Pines and just everything about it. I hate my memory because it always slips my mind. And it slips away so easy, so fast. It's like a piece of wet rubber. You know what you want to talk about, or a funny inside joke occurs, and within the next 24 hours or so, it's completely erased from your mind. That happened to me today. And yesterday. And all the time. I mean, my friends and I have about 46585364 inside jokes, but we don't ever discuss them, on a count of I always forget them. They'll say something like "OH REMEMBER you're blowing wind in my shirt!? LOLROFLMAO" and I'm like "No wheres that from?" And they'll say something like "Whoa it only happened yesterday, do you not remember?" No, I don't. And it constantly hurts me when my friends tease me about it, they don't get that I don't exactly remember. They think I'm either doing it on purpose or just really remidial. You know what? That could be possible, I could be slightly retarded. And that possibility, I'm not lying about it either. YOU SEE. *Flashback I actually recall* I remember my mom telling me about how they were going to abort me because I may not turn out like every other child. Everyother child meaning, functioning properly, breathing on their own, walking, talking, hearing & stuff. The doctor said there was a possibility I'd end up with down syndrome. So you never know, I could have slight down syndrome. I wonder if it's possible. I'm going to look that up. Either that, or just take medication, such as the widely known Ginko Baloba or something like that. Thats what my Aunt takes. Shes like uber old and her memory is beginning to slip her, lucky. Mine is already going through that phase and I have yet to reach my prime. Oh well, I'm off now. I guess my update was slightly important. Current Mood: blah (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
8:58 pm	My left arm is constantly throbbing. Since yesterday. Please make it stop. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
8:47 pm	I'm getting annoyed by the constant attempts I make to create a wonderful entry, and then I'm often shut down by a distraction, or my entry not being good enough. I get enough from Joey because I don't make good entries, If you don't like this entry, don't comment it, Joey Yes, he's beginning to bug me, each time I make something not good enough for him. Whatever. *rolls eyes* Nonetheless, on a lighter note, I found a lovely icon that reminds me of someone utterly random, and I will post it after my entry about well.. nothing. I mean, the only reason I'm updating is because Sean wants me to update, MY UPDATES ARE NOT EVEN GOOD. So why do you want me to update? Hm attempting to read what goes on in the crazy life of, Leaf? Well not much goes on in it. But let me start it off by my day. I'm home from school right now, since we have a "hurricane" yeah, check out that rain, it's pretty serious if you ask me. *Rolls eyes* It was like a regular storm, of course I got out of school because of it. But nonetheless they found this storm somewhat threatening enough to keep us out of school. Hey, thats fine with me, whatever floats their boat. [:. So I stayed up late last night, since I had a day off the next day, I had some fun, I created a sign for Erika, and I chatted while on Myspace. Yeah not much fun it sounds, but in reality when you have nothing else to do, and no other choice, you may as well make the best of it. So let me review my day as I see it. Woke up; Naturally. Walked around the house for a while, wondering where my brother was [since he wasn't in his room; I eventually realized that well, he had college that day. I then went on to the wonderful world known as the internet [or the world wide web] and of course, naturally, went on Myspace. Oh, and also I went on AIM to see who was on. Doug was on, but meh, I wasn't in the mood to talk, since I was half awake. The phone then rang//Guess who it was, DANNY. So I spoke with Danny on the phone for a bit, he was good company though. Well, at least until my mom interrupted my conversation as always and decided to ask me questions such as "Should I go turn my application in for Lexus?" What the hell do you think, woman? You do want a job, don't you? You want to quit Hyundai and work elsewhere, don't you? THEN WHY BOTHER ASKING ME WHAT TO DO? of course I didn't say that directly to her, only thought it. Instead I took the nice way out and I told her to go apply. So, then I talked to Danny about random things, such as always, and I decided to tell him I had to go, since I still wasn't concious enough to make a conversation. So then, my mom gets home, I'm still in my pajamas and it's about 2 o'clock. I haven't eaten yet, so by then I'm hungry. I decide to go in the kitchen and LOW AND BEHOLD I MADE MYSELF A SALAD. A Cesar Salad, since we all know that Cesar=♥ and of course, like usual, I enjoyed it. Yes, so I had some salad then I came back to the computer to well do the norm. And well I dislike the norm very much so, since I don't have anything else to do SOMEONE GIVE ME A LIFE. On a lighter note, there is a talent show on Thursday at my school. It ends at 8. I'm going to watch Guas play in his band ♥♥x64568. He's quite talented. I just don't like his singer. His singer well.. HE CANNOT SING even if his life depended on it. If they got a new singer, I'd like them much better than I do now. They have an amazing bassist, drummer and guitarist, but the singer, seriously, WTF. But oh well, if thats what they like then sure. :/ So well there we go, there was my day. There is an update, congrats. Oh, and I'm now installing WarCraft once again in my computer in order to play this free version, it's pretty sweet. We shall see how that goes, but I'm sure this install will take a while. OH WELL. Later! Oh and here is what I spoke of when I said something reminded me of someone I know, yes this reminded me of you, Sean. THE ONE THAT FORCED ME TO MAKE THIS UPDATE @#*^ [: It's completely random like you, Sean. (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 12th, 2005
10:07 pm	Why, hello there stranger. So hello everyone. Yes, it is I, the creator of this abanndoned journal. I haven't updated in a while and well not much has gone on since my last update, only because well my life doesn't consist of anything spectacular. I'm so far managing to keep my grades up though, I'm doing well in each class, well each class that is excluding my math class. Geometry is easy, it's the teacher that isn't. He lectures about whatever he can in the first 30 minutes being behavior, or a simple thing such as sharpening a pencil, you can always count on Mr. Curry to stall time. But anyways, yes there is my only problem. I have a 100 in chemistry, so woah. Well last test probably brought me down to a low 90 but nonetheless I'm doing well. Ok, well update on my life and what not, correct? Yes so aside from that, school life is just peachy! I'm so satisfied with my grades, until well I decide to slack probably during mid terms. :] Yeah well today was a half day, I got caught in a lie. I told my rents that I stayed at school the whole time, and did.. nothing. When well I went to McDonalds. :O Only because I know they wouldn't approve of that. So yes, damn them and what not. Nonetheless, I learned my lesson and just be straightforward with that. My friend life, well it's fine. I decided to just be friends not best friends with Erika, she expected too much. Falicia is the perfect best friend though. I realize that after the talk we had on the phone. All my negative thoughts and insecurities went away after she clarified it with me. :] SO well life is great to say the least. I had a muffin for breakfast. And I have to go to bed. I'll update tomorrow maybe with something elaborate and exciting. <3 Current Mood: awake (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 4th, 2005
2:51 pm	Photobucket This is a test post from Photobucket.com (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 20th, 2005
1:29 am	Why don't I ever stop? Sighing currently. Current mood: worried Fuck. I've done it again. Here I go again. I can't stop thinking. The same exact thing. It's going to happen I know it. Even in my dreams, it happened, I know it's going to happen. Falicia thought it was going to happen, I know it's going to happen. It may just be my paranoia, but I'm almost sure I'm right. This sucks. Whatever. -------------------------------------------------------------- Ok, there was my blog, I promised to talk more about it so well I will now. Alright, so, I had a dream last night. We can say it wasn't the greatest dream of all, I ended up waking in the morning in tears, joy right? I suppose I should tell you all about my dream. I feel pathetic for even talking about it. But ok, here it goes. Well we had a school mass that we all had to go to, so I go in with Guas. Me and Guas are hanging out at the top of the bleachers just talking you know waiting for things to start, we somehow started talking about how red buttons are attractive, whatever, I was clearly delerious. Yeah so then we just look over at the door just to see whos coming in. Keep in mind the gym doesn't look like a gym, for some reason it has balconys. But yeah, then enters Chris, with Rebecca, the girl I know he like loves [secretly of course, thanks to my paranoia] so yes, they sit together they're talking it up/flirting it up, because naturallly thats what he's going to do if he likes her. But yes, anyways, so then like in the middle of the thing they decide to go outside on to the balcony and like hold eachother and such and I'm like umm yeah feeling all full of chills and cold and numb and scared. So yeah then he kisses her and I sink even lower, feeling like yeah basically worthless, then I wake up when they look over at me and laugh. Then I wake up, I'm crying, hysterical of course. End of irony part one. Let me get to the creepy part, so Falicia and I are talking and she goes "I wonder if he'll leave you for someone else" isn't that funny? My dream was about that, I've been thinking about that, and yeah. What the fucking hell. Is "God" out to get me or something? Do you just want to ruin my life? Is that your motive? Because if it is, you're doing a damn good job at it, thanks for caring. End of irony part two. Ok, part three, we are discussing people that we uh "like" ironically... He mentions, her. Yeah I am going off on paranoia again. I wish I didn't have these episodes, I wish I were more trustworthy, I hate myself for that. No, I just hate myself. I mean yeah I named some guys, but I don't actually hang out with them as much as he does with the other, so they can grow close then like yeah "Bye Christine, she broke up with her boyfriend, and umm we aren't working out" or something to the effect of that. Just like I don't know, I keep thinking about him and telling his ex that he had been developing feelings for me. Then what if he goes off doing that to her? I've discussed this before, I've had this problem before, ignore me please. Pretend I just didn't write that, I don't want to burden any of you with my petty problems. Let me deal with them, even though I can't even deal with them. Why? Because, I'm not positive enough. I always think the worst and it's like good job, self. Whatever. Ignore this, as if it didn't even get posted, it doesn't deserve attention. Current Mood: Look at her eyes bulge. Current Music: Aerosmith: Dream on. IRONICALLY. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 15th, 2005
5:13 pm	Hello So yes, hi el jay. It's been a while, how have you been? I've been fine, but I think I'm losing sanity. Why do I think this? I'm talking to an effing journal for Christsake. So yes, aside from that, I am what you say bored. It's funny how I go in to el jay attempting to write something, but nothing never comes to me, only til' the end so I'm waiting for the end to appear that way I can think of something to write about. I could tell you about my day, it's nothing wonderful, but I could tell you about it. Oh, I accomplished finishing The Catcher in the Rye yesterday, it was a great book with such an empty ending. I mean as I was reading it I could only think about one person, one person that fits every single description, every single thought the character in the book had. That person would just so happen to be Damian. As I read the book, every image in my head would be of him doing whatever the character would do, I could picture him doing every exact thing, he talked just like him, acted just like him. I never thought someone could relate so much to a character, just that alone "killed me". [pun for those who have read it] But anyways, yes so I'm supposed to go on about my day. I got to school late of course, at about 7:50 with 5 minutes to spare, so I traveled in a hurry to my locker to get my stuff for Dean's class [room 309] that basically was my Reading Counts book, which I finished over the weekend, but I brought it anyway. So we got in to class and he started teaching us some vocabulary for the SAT/ACT, yeah we all practically failed. Then we had to read our books, so we read for a good 20 minutes. Then we had to go to Mass, oh, you can imagine the joy. I got in there and sat next to Lillian and Andrew, Lillian and me saw Mario from across the room and decided to copy every action he'd do in the gym, just for laughs. He didn't notice us although it looked like he was looking straight at us. I later decided to gaze upon the gym and scan for people, I found Emily, Chris, Frolic buddy, and teh Mexican Krystal who is awesome. So I observed them all for a bit and got bored, Lillian and I began to count the bars on the ceiling, we got to 264 or something, I was going to count lamps, but then after about the 5th I remembered it isn't a good idea to gaze directly in to light and began to see spots. Our pastor was all Irish, and he said the word "Tursday" [Thursday] about two times, he's awesome. So yes, then it was time to recieve the host, of course I was all reluctant so I sat down, Lillian stayed and so did Andrew. We all just chatted it up for a while. Then things began to get rowdy since everyone got to get up and walk to get the host, people talked it was chaos. So after mass I had to go to Jarvis' room [room 111]. Malone was subbing, let me tell you, I'd rather have commited suicide than be in the same room as him. He decided to give us 54150156418510 big assignments to complete by the end of class, of course none of us succeeded in finishing all the work, so it became homework. Then it was off to Chemistry [room 201], yeah nothing except for us getting our books, and exchanging seats, oh and we also like had to get partners for something, but I don't have a group yet, I don't know ANYBODY in that class, sometimes I just feel like I wish I were anywhere else instead of school, I always feel alone there, even if I'm around people. Meh, whatever. So yes, then after Chemistry, I had to go to Social Justice. Joy! I love Mrs. Kohrt[Room 121], except for the whole *Sigh* Not part. She sucks, I can't stand her, her debates are basically forcing her opinion on everyone else, and we're supposed to accept what she says. I still haven't gotten my essay back, I'm sure it's going to be an F because it's completely against her beliefs, I'm completely objective to everything she says. Oh well, when Social Justice is over, shes over. Yes, then I had lunch, good times, just a regular lunch with regular friends, Steph, Giz, Krystal, and Frankie. :] I <3 them, they make me happy. All my friends make me happy you all rock <333. Ok so anyways, then we have Geometry [Room 206] after lunch. You can say I basically despise Geometry, whatever. My teacher is exactly like the one that I had in 9th grade. He teaches exactly from the book, he takes it and he's all "Ok so the answer is ... *long pause* *reads book because he can't figure it out on his own even though he's a math teacher and he's supposed to know this stuff* *says answer*. He doesn't even remember everyones name, OR how to pronounce it. UGHH take me out of this fucking school. And well after Geometry, I had Arttttttt [room 218] My teacher must be on acid, but she's ok. It's cool though, I have that class with Chris /giddy smile. And we had to art criticism, but I couldn't spell that word. stfuimstupidok? SOOOOOOO I just wrote whatever the people told me to write down, it's a group activity, Monica and Greg analyzed it, I wrote and Chris uhh.. was there, looking for a painting with mushrooms in it [gofig.] And then art was over, which means school was over! *Joy/happy dance* So we hithered to my locker got my stuff and I somehow lost my lock to my locker so Chris went searching for it. Falicia ate rasins, and we walked to the vending machines. So then Chris was all set on getting rice krispie treats, but he like didn't. So we went to the other machines, Falicia eventually came, then he decided to get ice cream, so we went to the OTHER vending machines. [lmao] AFTER 5241561451 VENDING MACHINES we ventured out in to the ummm drop off area. Where I met MARIOOOOOOO. He's about the coolest freshman you'll ever meet. Somehow we lost Chris in that conversation, but I still enjoyed myself. Lillian and Mario were all talking and turns out he reminds me of my friend Mark. Like EXACTLY like Mark. It's creepy how much he reminds me of him. But yes, so then GIRL WITH THE HAIR came up and she was looking for Daniela, so I went looking I couldn't find her and I gave up and sat back down to converse with Mario, Lillian, Susan, Falicia, and thats all. So thennnn after that uhhhh I had to walk to where I normally wait ..alone. Nobody was with me :/ I felt all sad. It was like I'm all walking and all alone and sad and :[. yeah, so then I see Guas and I'm like :]! So I hung with him, then Manuel and Esteban came up and we talked. I can't stand the way Manuel is with me. He won't leave me alone like he flirts with me and such and he KNOWS I have a boyfriend, he said he was like "So I'll fight him" what a bastard, UGHHHHHHH. I mean he's really cool and all but then ht comes to grabbing me around my waist and like trying to tickle me and I'm like.. ok too close for comfort buddy. Esteban was cool though, he makes a great gay voice. THEN there were like 3125514564106301 GIGANTIC wasps after us, it was creepy, so Esteban and I walked in the school to get a drink and like hide out for a while, we saw Pam and Ana and some other chick and we talked then I had to go home. THEN on the way home I went to the library to find another book to read, which was "A Stranger in a Strange Land" but it wasn't there, it's on hold. Thats all for today. Later all. Current Mood: blah Current Music: SQUEEEEEEEAK (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 5th, 2005
2:40 pm	Surveyness ( Survey for all eyes to see ) Current Mood: confused Current Music: Nothing. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
1:52 am	Oh my! I think it's time I got this out. I've been thinking about this ever since my brother and I have had a discussion late at night. No, foolish children, don't get bad thoughts in your head. But anyways, lets say it has to do with life, points of view on what life is about, what the deal is. Well none of it involves God, so Catholics, LEAVE NOW. Heh just kidding, I know you'll stay anyways since all of you like invading the life that is mine err maybe my thoughts, err both a bit of both yes. OK I'M GETTING OFF TOPIC NOW. Ehem now back to the whole life/world thing. Yes yes. So yes, my thoughts on this whole thing, I didn't get to analyze much of it since I have music blasting plus 534567401 IMS open, and of course 5454687410 thoughts flooding through my mind. But here goes nothing. Ok so I think that we spend our entire lives trying to perfect a previous life, I guess you could say in a sorta sense that its considered reincarnation? But not exactly reincarnation, yeah I should explain more so I will. Ok so anyways, I guess in a sense we spend our lives trying to perfect them, and we can't rest soundly unless we have completely perfected it. As if there is another one of "us" stuck in a parelell universe trying to tell the one living the life, what to do. And this is where deja vu comes from. *God I feel stupid sharing this information with you all* But yes, ok, I guess that when you get the vision of something that you think has been done before, it's a sign that you did that something perfect, and the other you stuck in the parelell universe is trying to get that message through. I guess also if you have visions before somethings happeened it's telling you the right thing to do and you have to obey your every intuition, don't ignore it if you think you shouldn't do something, don't do it, or else you'll just ruin it and have to start over again. I can't think clearly now what I was going to say just escaped my mind. Well I guess thats just about the main idea of it, Doug told me a version of something that sounded like it, I didn't save the website, I feel like an idiot! This is going to be bothering me the rest of the night. But I guess basically your life is just done over and over until you perfect it then you can die in total happiness. Don't ask, I'm stupid. But oh well. On to random pointless topics, I have been updating LJ, but just not recently. I have been doing private entries, I didn't want someone reading them on a count of well... how it might make them feel? I even regret writing them, and feel like deleting them. Ok well anyways, yes Joey, I'll keep updating, I've somehow grown addicted to this stupid el-jay. But moving on, I guess I should talk about my day. To sum it up... Sleep Internet Thinking Food Yes, pretty much your average typical day, I didn't do much. I only had just my normal amount of ponderage a day, which of course never ends, and well at the moment I'm still trying to think of how to add on to what I previously wrote. I DONT KNOW AH! But anyways, so tomorrow is Friday it's going to be a blast I hope. Still must talk to my dad about something, that has to do with it of course. But I don't know if Erika is coming or not, she most likely won't since this whole issue that happened yesterday, yeah I'm not going to talk about it. And yesterday, I guess I remembered some old memories that I miss. Ok maybe lots. I miss being young, stupid, carefree. I miss where I used to live, even if it was in the ghetto, I lived next to the most coolest old people ever, they took care of me when some people didn't want to, I miss Michael and Ryan from across the street, and Fabian! He was such a cool English Arabian. Then we had the slut, Melissa, I wonder if Joey remembers her. And Christina, her mom was an alcoholic, I remember she used to get herself so drunk lay out on a lawn chair in the front yard and just pass out. And Ashely, I'm almost 100% sure she went and turned lesbian. She seemed confused, genderwise. Most of all, I miss the sunsets out in the front yard, with the sound of the highway in the back, and kids playing in the school yard beyond the fence near the dead end, I remember always breaking in to there with Michael, Ryan and Andrew to play some football. I miss my old life. I'm happy right now though, happier than I used to be, I just wish I could go back to that. But people change, life changes, and I guess you just have to adjust to those changes. I still can't believe I'm going to be a junior, I felt like it was only yesterday that I was in 2nd grade at Nativity, and going after school playing tag with Amanda, Robert, Patrick, all those cool kids. I like life now though, I feel more in place I guess you could say. My parents are different I guess you could say, well different than they used to be. No more neglecting, I guess thats only because I can take care of myself now. But they're nicer than before, even my mom, she comes in at night to say good night to me. I like that, even though I lie and say I don't. Wow.. I didn't think I'd be able to write this much, I'm going to stop now, I'm getting sad, but a happy type of sad. Farewell. :] Current Mood: blank Current Music: Pro-Test. Skinny Puppy :] (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 1st, 2005
2:09 am	McDonalds My title does have some significance, just let me get to it. HOKAY Here goes the day now, I hope you wore your thinking hat. So I woke up today and fucking 8:30 in the am. Talk about stupid since I fell asleep so damn late. I was watching the murder trial on some comedian because for some reason.. murders make me giddy. So anyways, I was actually watching TV for like.. once. And this guy Phil Hartman got murdered by his wife, they decided to investigate further into it and why she had done such a cruel thing to this man. So they are talking about how she was in her teenage years, she was depressed and she started getting in to drugs and alcohol for instant relief. [I'm guessing she must have been a real idiot because the relief is only temporary, come on ALL STONERS KNOW THAT] so anyways, she wanted to become a model/actress, you know everyones ambition. [how fucking typical] so she needed to get a roll on a commercial thinking this would begin to be her big break, obviously it wasn't because nobody knew who the heck she was. But anyways, she starred in this commercial with Phil Hartman and what not and they began to talk and got to know eachother. Later on, as if you wouldn't have guessed, they began to hang out and get to know eachother. POOF as soon as you know it they got married and had a kid. She was still depressed because she was only known as his wife, she had not claimed a spot of fame as her own. [Boo freaking hoo] then she later on resorted to doing coke and drinking again. Well one night while her and her friend were out they had a couple drinks and she got home went upstairs to where he was sleeping, then shot him. How many times you ask? 3 times. Talk about insane. So then she goes to his friends house and tells him "I shot Phil" he didn't believe her at all until well he went over to see and found him dead on the bed with three gun shots in him. So they called the police and before they came, she laid next to him in bed and shot herself as well. Tada! Ahh you gotta love those murder suicide cases. &&Nothing says white trash like a woman that has such a good situated family but does drugs and drink like every night. So aside from that randomness let me start with my day now. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I got up at 8:30 like I said, so I could go register at the library for a position since I need to start up the whole service hour thing. So I get there and BENNY! says there aren't any positions that he knows of so he'll go and look to see if he can find any. He finds one and writes my name in the spot, but we needed to verify it. So we had to wait about 15 more minutes until the woman came just so she could say no to us. Thats not the worse part, the worse part is I start the library when I start school. Ghey! But eh, anyways, so we scidaddle out of that place and go to Einsteins for a bagel. I got Cinamon sugar =B. Twas good/orgasmic. Except for the part where the sides were burned. So I get home and go on the computer for a couple mins and play WARCRAFT! Of course. And my mom is all wanting to go to Walmart. Score. So I gladly accept the offer and force my brother to go along as well. I showed her a trail of ants in the bathroom that have been bugging me [/pun] and she gets all in her "Exterminator" mode and begins getting the caulking gun and bug spray as she sprays and caulks franitically. So while my brother and I wait, I learned how to solo like uber fast. Finally after that was done we were ready to go to Walmart. We get there and my mom is all giddy because we were speding time. Yeah thats fun lemme tell you. So my bro and I had to find toothbrushes with a good price, of course I found the right ones but Andrew insisted that the ones he found were better. So we take those to her, and we go off to look at the games. The new Star Fox game is just like the one for 64, don't buy it! So then I say "Andrew, you need new clothes" so we look around and find some nice shirts, and he tries them on, as hes trying them on, my mom comes along and its like.. woah, hi? So they fit yada yada he bought them. We go in line and I see toothbrushes [the ones I originally picked out] I decided to rub that in Andrew's face for a bit. Then he wanted a pink lemonade, so he.. got one. Then I remembered "Omfgz Gauntlet is due back today at Blockbuster" and hes all omfg. So I made a plan on what to do when we got home. We get home and I quickly get my blades on/get my backpack/get a water bottle/bring money. And we are off. So he is biking while I blade off to Blockbuster, and its all.. hot out. We finally got to Blockbuster, turns out there is no late fee for us. ^_^. Then I kept my shoes on and we went to McDonalds. My blades were in my backpack and wow I looked like a hobo. So hes all "What do you want from McDonalds?" I say "A cheeseburger and medium fries, what are you getting?" Hes like .. "A drink". How gay. So I said, "What about food?" And hes all "I don't have enough" so I let him use my money. So we are fucking hungry and we go off to Joey's house. Then I thought we shouldn't eat there since it would feel wrong so we ate on the sidewalk.. we are such.. BUMS! As we eat, people drive by and just.. stare. So then we went to Joey's house, finally. And he wasn't there.. DSLfjal;dfj!!!!!!!!!!!.alkfsdf;lkajdsfl;ajsfdj!!!!! Whatever, so we go home my friend called me, we talked. She had to go, I napped. Then it was like.. 5 and I'm like, shizz I need to go somewhere today. So I finally woke up and got ready, then it was off to Huntington. Oh, joy. It was chaos there, there were so many immature kids there, running around screaming their heads off, as if we were under attack by Iraquis. Yeah so that ended, I got home, went online, yada yada. Yeah from then on it gets boring. Oh Danny called me today :D So I talked to him. He was at Oasis and I was supposed to go.. heh. I didn't get to. I got so pissed at my mom because I need to hang out with Erika or I'll die! So while I was talking to Danny he was all "Someone wants to talk to you" and I'm like.. uh? So he gives some chick the phone and we are having a casual conversation, until her name comes up. Her name was Syndee. :O Chris' girlfriend. :O! She was all "I've heard alot about you.." I wonder why. I hope it wasn't anything bad either. Shes a really nice person though. :D. So we talked then Danny came back and well I'm going to hang out with him Saturday with Erika if she can go. I gotta call her tomorrow. Ok well thats all folks. Have a nice night. Well day since its 2am. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Pantera (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
1:43 am	Topic unknown. I really don't know what to put for the topic, but I was about to go to bed when I realized I didn't update yet. So all day I didn't talk to like ..anyone on AIM. I've been so damn busy. I friggen' woke up at like 2 o'clock because I fell asleep at 6. 6 am! I'm ashamed. Argh I'm so tired right now but I need to update. Well lets see I am feeling better from the whole thing that happened with uh serial killer. I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore, I wonder why. Perhaps the guilt got to him or something. Who freaking knows. So I shall be going to Oasis tomorrow with my siamese twin tomorrow and then I shall sleep over. It sounds like lots of fun, no? Good. And from there we shall go to Oasis and lose our photobooth virginity. [Photobooth virginity meaning: We have never taken pictures in one of those before, therefore it'll be our first time] &&I can't wait. Its going to be a blast. [::]I think this is like one of the things that has cheered me up, shes cheered me up thats definately true. I mean she helped me feel better. So tomorrow we are looking for guys at the mall. Maybe I'll see those 4 that I saw last time, hey, I thought at least 3 out of the four were pretty smokin'[::] But we shall see what happens, I'm just looking forward to hanging with my friend, just having a girls night out, drowing our sorrows in ice cream, whoring around, the usual things us chicks do. :P. So back on to my day, yes I had school as well and I had to shower, clean my room, wrap my dads gift. Oi so much. I mean I was online just not talking. And when I was talking it was about a party coming up. But I can't go to that party now, so screw it. I have two other ones I'm supposed to attend though. Ones on July 12, the other on the 13. I don't think I can make it to both unless I have a ride, which I highly doubt I'll have a ride for one. I want to go so badly though. Girl with the hair is counting on me to be there, and I want to be there, but then we have some really awesome dude I met a while ago asking me to go ot his party. I'm thinking of persuading my rents into letting me go to both. I mean I'm supposedly getting a cell phone and my permit soon, so why not push the envelope? Drew is getting a laptop for his graduation gift, sadly he had to pay for some, but still I mean go Drew, you got a computer now, one to call your own, one to name. Just don't name it Kenny like your guitar, I know it has meaning, but come on, not everything is Kenny. Name it something unique, like Joey's his is Issac All thanks to me of course. So back on topic, uh yeah my friend Eric wants me to go to Oasis with him on Thursday, but I'm going tomorrow. So no! I'd rather hang with twinage. =) Oh, Joey, that background of yours, for Myspace, is a song by NIN, called "Hurt" I'm sure you'd like it. But also I'd like to know where the hell you found it. Since you know well, you don't listen to music so there is no possible way you went to their website and found it since you wouldn't even know who the hell they are. So please tell me lykeomfgzgossip!111!!one!1!11 Or something like that. So anyways, I'm heading off to bed now since I feel there isn't much else to say. Later. Current Mood: :P Current Music: Funeral for a friend (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 27th, 2005
11:00 am	Can we say depression? Talk about gothy. I swear last night must have been my all time low I've gotten in. I think I was so confused/depressed I couldn't even cry. Yet all I could think about the whole day was the same thing, lies. All it ever was, was a lie, the whole thing was a lie, it was an obvious hurtful lie, but I unlike my friends, didn't see it. So here I am up all night, randomly having the chills, feeling like I have a fever, feeling dizzy, can't eat. All over one thing. DEPRESSION Wow I never thought it'd hit me so hard, but once you think about it, I was asking for it. Not taking everyones advice, living the moment if you will. That is one thing I regret doing. I'm always the one to just live the moment. And then this happens and reality sets in, "It was too good to be true" and it was, yet I thought it was possible. Ha. So the song I had playing for a while would have to be "Comfortable Liar" by Chevelle. It really kind of fit the mood. Funny thing is, he seemed fine with hurting me. It's like it was a part of his plan. I guess what Joey said last night about him was right, he is a jerk. Well actually.. a lot of people said that. I feel so used right now. Its like I had it written on my forehead. USE ME. I know exactly why he did it too. I'm easy to manipulate, thats the truth. I mean I took about 4198742314684 good looks in the mirror yesterday and realized, "Woah who could like this?" I mean I'm not appealing. I'm not the stereotypical blonde hair, blue eye'd girl. I have too many flaws for someone to actually like me. Well moving on to my day. Yes so no sleep+depression=One horrible day. Never stay up all night, its bad. Trust me. It was all online and such. Then since you know I don't IM anyone, serial killer IMs me. And its all I'm in a bad mood so I already know the conversation will go bad. And so anyways, just as predicted it went bad. And then he decides to help me out with my non-existant love life, which didn't go down too well because like hes only doing it so I can tell him I already know? So I am all *Says something witty* And hes all trying to cover up for his lie "Oh like I really did like you its just uh.. this happened" or some bullshit lie like that. So anyways I just was all whatever I don't want my hopes to be brought up as such a lie is brought up once again. So I lay down in my room and get chills all over it was horrible. Fucking depression. I was in bed most of the day, "moping" my mom is all "whats wrong?" and I'm just all burying my face in my pillow, crying. Yet he doesn't realize what hes done. Hurt. Thats what. Just hurt. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: adlfjk (13 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 26th, 2005
1:47 pm	Posted from bloggy. The blatant truth Things would be so much better if summer hadn't existed, if I hadn't been so naive, if I had listened to my friends, they were right. I was too good for that person I guess, and now all I can do is mope around and be gothy for the rest of the freaking however long this'll last. To you: I can't stand what you did, you don't understand what you did, no what you said earlier was wrong, even if you thought it was right. Now look at what you've done. Why did you have to go on with that lie? Do you know how much that lie has an affect on me? Apparently not, and I think you should have just said the truth in the first place "I don't like you, I just want you as a friend" would have been nicer, but leading me on to believe something like that? That was indeed the lowest thing you've ever done to me. I don't even know why I bothered. I should have listened to them, all of them. They were right, I kept it in denial though. Well at least I know the truth, yet you didn't have to tell me it, I sort of assumed it before but just played along. Why? Because as I mentioned above, I am naive, and apparently easy to lead on. Well all I think thats all I really need to say, and I think that this just might be the only way to tell uh "Someone" the entire perspective on what I think. Is it true? Most likely but I'm sure he'll just deny it once more. I don't know if I can trust that person... ever again now. (4 Comments |Comment on this)